Breaking the silence on this blog that lasted a whole 8 months. 8 months of the most unthinkable, and living in its aftermath. This post isn’t about the 8 months – I will try to work through and write more about it later – but to pick up on where we left. Teo, the little newborn who has now blossomed into the sweetest 9 month old boy.
Teo has now been outside my belly just as long as he was inside. Nine months holds such a special importance. While we are still inseparable most of the time, everyday he continues to grow, grow up, grow independently from me. He’s also growing into the sweetest age yet. He’s starting to understand what we say and responding in his way, reacting when he doesn’t get what he want, and playing!
He started babbling a while back and his first words are abo (grandma) and bababa – no mama yet. He knows as soon as my phone is out and will call out ‘abo’ when video calling with grandma. He will always flash a smile as soon as he sees her face. He started crawling but then went straight to pulling up. I thought he was about to jump straight into walking, but recently he discovered that crawling can actually get him to places. So now he has adopted a one legged bum scoot. It gets him everywhere, and he can go straight to sitting up and then pulling up in lightning speed. Suddenly he has turned into a little puppy, following us around the apartment and even out the front door when his big sisters go to school. He loves to play peekabo, if you put a towel over his head, he’ll pull it off with a grin while saying “heh!” We also noticed he loves to play with the ball, attempt to throw it towards us.
This week we started baby swimming class. He was so confused the first time I took him. What am I doing trying to change clothes and bring him into the not-so-warm water?! His lips quivered and some cries took place. But after singing and splashing he got used to it and really enjoyed himself. Second time went so much smoother, already knowing what to expect he had fun. Similar to Ellinor, he’s also a big observer – loves to watch new people and places. A lady in the changing room called him a buddha baby.
But he’s not always calm. Especially not when Alva’s around. As soon as he sees Alva his eyes light up with excitement, it’s like he knows they are going up to mischief. When these two take a bath together, it’s songs in the highest volume (Alva) and splashes to maximum effort (Teo). Alva’s sudden peekaboos and jumps and weird sounds always gets him to squeal and laugh. We might think it’s loud, but Teo loves it. Ellinor on the hand tries to read to little brother, and can hold and carry him around which he likes. She’s also great at coaching him on the walker.
On eating and sleeping, it’s pretty much a repeat of the big sisters. Teo loves breastfeeding, and he enjoys food. He loves fruits, yoghurt, bread. He eats by himself but also likes to be spoon-fed. Not a fan of bland steamed food, he prefers curried vegetables over steamed. He loves pasta in all shapes and forms. He naps well in his stroller, sometimes just once a day though he needs a second nap. And at night he sleeps with me in bed, waking a few times to nurse.
There is nothing that makes you feel time more acutely than when you have a baby. This time a year ago, I was just entering my third trimester. Still with a reasonable sized belly, and with all the curiosity and wonder of what that belly may bring. I imagined that a year later we’d have a new member in the family, but it was all conceptual, abstract- how would this new person be, how would it feel to be a family of five, where would we be, how would it all feel? Never in my imagination would I have thought that we would have lost my father, the children’s grandpa on the way- and that we would walk through a nightmare, and somehow still be ok. Intact. And that Teo would save me, save us again and again with his smiles, his presence and his eyes from the depth of an ancient soul, with his understanding and his wonder at life.
We love you Teo, like your name – you are a gift. We are so lucky to have you in our lives!
Hi little man, I’m glad to be starting these posts again but bittersweet that a month and more has already passed since your beautiful entrance to the world which I will forever treasure. The concept of time has been so different this month, sometimes too fast (how are you already a month old?) yet stretching beyond forever (minutes when you can’t get to proper sleep and cry from discomforts), but most of all it has felt circular rather than linear. As I get to know you and watch you, you remind me so much of your big sisters and I’m both living in the present and past. As if the three newborn phases existed simultaneously in an parallel universe.
We’ve always wondered if we would ever have one of those miracle baby that just slept, maybe third time the charm? I bought a used bedside bassinet in hopes that perhaps you’d want to take 3 hour naps. After using it a couple of times the first two weeks, it is now standing there dusting and acting as a holding pen for burp cloths, soiled clothes, my Kindle, etc next to our real sleeping place – together on the big bed. As soon as you started feeling gas in your tummy, and spitting up milk it’s been hard to sleep longer stretches lying down unless you’re in the stroller. And just like your sisters, you love breastfeeding, and can eat for days. Until you’re so full the milk is just running out of your mouth. Then you spit up, and then you want more. You also love being carried on our chests, so you’re close to your old home and upright which feels good for the tummy. No matter how fussy you are, wearing you always does the trick!
When you’re awake you sport a thoughtful, contemplative look and love doing staring contests with us. Unlike your sisters, you haven’t yet flashed us a true smile no matter how much we are trying to make you laugh. We have a bit of contest going now on who will get the smile points, and I’m sure when you do it will be the excitement of the century.
Alva: “Teo du är sååååå söööööt. Du är sötast i världen” She adores you, and wants to see you first thing in the morning and when she comes home from school. Diving straight in for kisses on your head. We have to tell her to wash her hands millions of times, and she’s really over it. In fact, she’s pretty much not listening to what we tell her to do at the moment. And also really exerting her voice and needs since becoming the middle child. There’s been quite some temper recently when she doesn’t get her way, but to you it’s mostly love and pride (always asking when I can bring your to pick her up from daycare). She’s great at singing to you and telling her made up stories. She’s also the only one calling you Teodor.
Ellinor: Already the pro big sister, she’s ever so helpful. She always asks if she can hold you, and is a bit upset that she’s not allowed yet to hold you upright while walking around or wear you (which is what you prefer, rather than being cradled like a baby). She will intuitively hold your hands while we change diaper, and also put on the new diaper – but draws the line at wiping your poop. After watching a kid documentary series on a koala rescue center she has adopted you as her baby koala. Her biggest achievement is once putting you back to sleep. She came into your bassinet (ah yes there are moments you’ve slept there) when you woke up crying and cuddled you close with her whole body and gave you the pacifier multiple times until you fell back asleep. And I got to finish my shower!
The last days of this pregnancy felt like time stopped, I was floating in an eternity neither here nor there. I felt so ready mentally, like the birth could happen anytime but also knowing that it may take a while yet. His due date, Monday 15th February, came and went and all I felt was some Braxton-Hicks and vague aches in my back. I decided to go ahead and go on an apartment viewing with my sister in the evening. There’s something very rebel about the feeling of moving about town on your due date, during the corona pandemic. The apartment we saw was lovely, and also popular, and the real estate agent was impressed that I was the first client she had who went on a viewing on their due date. Afterwards we walked around the neighborhood and looked for a place to have dinner – deciding finally on a small Korean spot and I got to have my soondubu jjigae!
(In fact, I haven’t been so much out and about since the pandemic started as I was during the last days of pregnancy. Teo really gave me a chance to eat my way around Stockholm, and feel the normal life before we go into our cocoon again.)
Tuesday 16th was Fettisdagen – Shrove Tuesday – which is the big day for eating ‘semlor’ (read more). Given my obsession for semlor this pregnancy, I was quite sure he might decide to come on the day. But alas no.
On Thursday, 3 days after his due date I was booked in for an check up with my midwife and we agreed to do a membrane sweep. But first daddy and I had lunch at K28, a big bowl of pork ramen for me and a falafel burrito for daddy. Then I felt ready to go.
The discomfort didn’t come immediately, but slowly towards the evening on Thursday I was getting some mild contractions. I topped it all off with last glass of ‘förlossningsdrink’ (a labour induction cocktail, based on castor oil) – this time with real prosecco! Then took a nice bath. During the night the contractions started to intensify, and I felt the excitement that things were about to happen! I could still fall sleep in between, and the contractions felt most towards early morning. Around 6am Ellinor woke up and found me in the living room. I was leaning on the sofa and rocking on my knees and she instinctively came and rubbed my lower back. The touch was magical, and instantly took any pain away. We cuddled and chatted in the dark, excited for what’s to come. We even downloaded a contraction timer app and she helped me time a few contractions. Then daddy and Alva got up and the world stirred and came back to life, and the contractions died down. By the time we had gone through breakfast and morning chaos and whisked the girls off to school, I was feeling pretty much back to normal.
All through Friday I was anticipating the contractions to return any moment, but they didn’t. I got a full day of pottering around the house, napping and out for a lunch in our local restaurant. We decided to go over to my parents for dinner, to keep ourselves distracted and also to eat some yummy Chinese food. I was already starting to get my contractions back, and on the walk to my parents place (10 min away) I had to stop a few times to take them. They were really manageable, and I knew I had to keep moving. My dad had cooked this fattest dong po rou (braised pork belly) for me and afterwards, I asked Mimmi to braid my hair. Kenneth put the girls to bed, and then we walked home – me leaning on him for a break each time a contraction came.
With Ellinor and Alva, I was always 2-3cm dilated when we arrived at the hospital and sent out for a walk. So this time around, we were keen to stay home as long as we could. We gave the hospital a call and let them know contractions have started, and then went straight to bed to get some rest. By this time I was getting regular contractions every 6-7 minutes, for a minute long. Kenneth gave me some massage and went to sleep. I warmed my wheat pillow and put in on my lower back, dozing on and off between contractions. By 1am I felt some shift in the contractions. They were getting more intense, but still not that close. It felt like a good time to start getting ready to move to the hospital – as much as I didn’t want to get there too early I also didn’t want to end up too late and being too far along. I woke Kenneth up, set up my Tens in my lower back and we timed a few more contractions. They were lasting a bit longer now, 1.5 minutes and felt strong with 5 minutes break apart. We called the hospital to say we were ready to come in, then called my dad to pick us up. Kenneth grabbed our hospital bag and car seat, and off we went driving through the night.
10 minutes later we arrived at Danderyd’s hospital, where my birthing center – BB Stockholm – was located. We took the elevator up to the 9th floor and was greeted by the most welcoming sight. The midwives and nurses all said hi and took us straight to our birthing suite which was all prepared. There was soft music playing, dimmed lights and fake tea lights – at 2am Saturday morning the birthing center was filled with calm. One of my worries was the transition to hospital, and what if they didn’t have space for us, etc. But our transition couldn’t have been more smooth. The midwives – a team of lead midwife Sofia and student midwife Linnea – did check ups in my room, not in some triage holding place. When they said that I was now 5-6 cm open and cervix was super soft, I was overjoyed and so relieved! And secretly thanked evening primrose oil for helping to soften my cervix.
Settling into the room gave me a rush of new energy and I felt ready to get on to the next stage of labour. Kenneth called our doula, Maria, to let her know that she can join us. The midwives just needed to listen to the baby every 15-20 minutes but otherwise I was free to move around as I wished. We settled on the birthing ball and the couch. It felt like a comfortable position, letting gravity help the baby by bouncing but I could lean into the big pillow while Kenneth massaged my lower back. While contractions were getting stronger, I always had a good few minutes break and could chat between or doze. When my doula Maria arrived around 3.30 I felt another sense of calm, everything and everyone was in place. She brought more tea lights and coziness, and started to coach me through every contractions – so I was never alone. By this stage I was quite deep into myself, and this part of labour feels like a haze. I would naturally sink deeper and deeper into the contractions, and the repetition of the words Maria said – relax, relax your jaws, breathe more quiet, calm – over and over again like a mantra was all that I heard. And Kenneth pressing my lower back, whispering how strong I was. Contractions must have come quite strongly now and much more frequent, sometimes I think they also dipped slightly but then came back up again without a break. I was so in tune with how they felt, and hardly had to communicate as they came to Maria who seemed to grasp whenever one was coming my way – despite saying a few times it’s hard to notice as I always seemed the same level of calm. There was one or two times when she didn’t catch it as it came and those definitely more intense. It’s an absolute wonder how words and touch can be the strongest pain relief.
At no point did I feel any need for further pain relief. I was managing so well in my deep meditative state, with some warm compresses on my back, words from my doula and and closeness from Kenneth. I was so safe and secure, and the room was flowing with oxytocin. At some point I think I fell asleep so hard between contractions that I was snoring (haha). Occasionally humor also helped, like when Maria offered chocolate and we both said maybe – but then she pulled out two Norwegian Kvicklunch and we were like hell yes! Kenneth joked if she always has snacks customized for the couple. As the contractions got stronger, sometime around 5am the midwives asked if I would like to get the pool ready. There was one big birthing pool in the center and thankfully it was available. A part of me was still feeling surreal, will I really be getting the water birth I dreamt of? By 5.30am, the pool was filled, and they checked me again. 7 cm, and cervix was ‘soft as butter’ (god how I love hearing that phrase!). I was allowed to move into the pool.
Oh that sensation of entering the pool! It was the most magical feeling – not much unlike when I had the epidural set in with the first two. The warm water enveloping my body immediately took any pain away. I floated around and felt so happy and content. Contractions came and didn’t feel as painful, and soon enough they started to shift in nature, feeling more like a heavy pressure downward. I started to drift off to sleep and my doula told me she was quite sure I took one contraction entirely asleep. Kenneth also cat-napped on the side of the birthing pool for a short while. The room was so still and quiet, like a dark cave. It was a beautiful, serene moment. The heavy pressure kept coming but it almost felt as if contractions were on pause. Actually it was just oxytocin at work.
After nearly two hours of this slower pace, I started to feel impatient as I didn’t feel that he was moving that much further down. At this point my water was still intact, so he was lying in his amniotic sac and for me it felt like the push feeling was still very abstract like I couldn’t get a grip around him. As daylight came and the midwives needed to change shift, the world started returning to the room. At 8.40am the new midwife team checked me again, his head was low and my cervix was very soft and open 7cm. We decided to break the water to speed things up. Almost immediately afterwards, the push contractions became much more intense and raw. I felt such a power going down, and the only thing holding me together was Kenneth’s hands holding my hips together. When I felt that I could actually ‘grip’ around him and focus my breathe downwards and feel him moving out, I got so excited. I just wanted to keep breathing and pushing, despite this being the toughest part. With a few of the deepest breaths I’ve ever taken I felt myself expand, and his head was inching its way. I could feel the tip of head, his little furry and slimey hair. This gave me so much energy and instinctively I used my voice, saying “jaaaa” (yes, to the contractions, to meeting my little guy). The raw, primordial pushing sensation was so powerful, and I was so eager to meet him, that the midwife had to remind me to take it a bit slower in order to not push him out in one go and tear more than necessary. It only took a few more minutes for him to leave the womb, and I felt the whole process, mentally, from the inside and with my hands. Then suddenly and softly, his whole body was out in the water. The clock showed 9:31am.
We pulled him up from the water and I plopped him on my chest, a big soft blob. Daddy wrapped his arms around both of us. The sense of relief, tears of joy, the feeling of awe and magic seeing, hearing, feeling this new life out in the world. 9 months of waiting and wonder, preparation and anticipation, and it only took a few seconds together to feel: well yes, of course, it was you all along. Welcome to this crazy world, Teo, you are right where you belong.
Thank you for giving this mama, on the third try, her dream water birth and the full sensation of how powerful, calm, and natural a birth can be like – without any medical interventions.
(Friends: enjoy the photos below, most of them were taken by our doula Maria who we are so grateful to for capturing these special moments. She also caught the moment of birth on video which you can watch from this link. I myself watched tons of water birth videos to inspire myself leading up to this birth, so happy to share mine)
the ivershen blog 